Tomorrow I start a new job. I’ve not even excited, I’m anxious, I’m nervous, I’m scared and I’m crying because I feel alone. It’s easy for people to say “congratulations” and “well done” and all those other “supportive words”, however the reality is that I feel alone. I am alone.
In my head I know I can do the job. But that little voice….the one that tells me I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty, my clothes won’t be right, they’ll hate my voice…it’s there, like the rhythmic beating of a drum. Even my mother, the first words out of her mouth were – “well done, now remember to not do A B C and D, and to do X Y and Z” It’s like, “well done for actually getting it right to get a job, now don’t fuck it up and because I assume you don’t know how to behave or do your job ever”
Reminds me of when I’d be seeing someone, there’d always be something wrong with either him, or me. Usually me and then him. Even if we’d had an argument and I’d want to vent, my mom would blame me. What did I do? Many failed relationships later where boyfriends have cheated, lied and ripped out my hear, I still ask myself that question: “What did I do?”
But I digress, tomorrow I start a new job. All alone, scared, nervous, anxious and full of the inferiority complex I’ve gotten so used to. I realize that I’m an adult and these are the things that adults do. However it’s very difficult to it as an adult who feels so alone that she doesn’t even have herself.
“Dysthymia has a number of typical characteristics: low energy and drive, low self-esteem, and a low capacity for pleasure in everyday life. Mild degrees of dysthymia may result in people withdrawing from stress and avoiding opportunities for failure. In more severe cases of dysthymia, people may even withdraw from daily activities.They will usually find little pleasure in usual activities and pastimes. Diagnosis of dysthymia can be difficult because of the subtle nature of the symptoms and patients can often hide them in social situations, making it challenging for others to detect symptoms.” – Wikipedia
“Dysthymia (dis-THIE-me-uh) is a mild but long-term (chronic) form of depression. Symptoms usually last for at least two years, and often for much longer than that. Dysthymia interferes with your ability to function and enjoy life.
With dysthymia, you may lose interest in normal daily activities, feel hopeless, lack productivity, and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy. People with dysthymia are often thought of as being overly critical, constantly complaining and incapable of having fun.” – Mayo Clinic